Taking care of ZHANG HE for Dummies
by Insertmanyfandomshere
Summary: A manual for the ZHANG HE unit.


**Introduction**

 **You... You have weird taste. But sure, he is a classic character for the DW franchise. When there are many more pretty boys to choose from, you decided to go for the classics. Good for you. You did not fall into the crave for ZHONG HUI, GUO JIA, or XU SHU. Or maybe you are buying them next, which is whatever. Keep throwing money at us, sucker-*scribbled over*-valued customer.**

 **Join our rewards program and receive a $5 dollar gift card that automatically goes to us.**

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 **Comes with...**

 **Seven (7) DW8 outfits that looks like a mesh of Cao Pi's and Guo Jia's DW8 outfits**

 **One (1) DW7 Vega cosplay outfit**

 **One (1) DW6 outfit with awkward side ab window**

 **One (1) DW5 outfit with full ab window for perfect shanks**

 **One (1) DW4 armored outfit**

 **One (1) DW3 Vega cosplay outfit**

 **Two (2) pairs of pointy shoes with shin guards**

 **Two (2) Vega claws**

 **Fifty (50) bottles of whatever lady hair product he uses**

 **One (1) special comb for his super long silky hair (Your combs would snap when put to his head.)**

 **Infinite** **butterfly-themed backgrounds**

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 **Name: Zhang He (Do not confuse him for Zheng He, the famous explorer.)**

 **Gender: Female *scribbled over* Male** Didn't think I'd catch that one, eh, Suzaku? Haha, I'm checking all of these for your stupid "mistakes".

 **Other names: Junyi, Butterfly Dude, Gay Dude, Chinese Vega**

 **Famous for: Being one of Wei's top generals, took an arrow to the knee before it was cool (Fictional)**

 **Spouse: Unknown (Bet you ladies love that his wife's lost to time.)**

 **Children: Four of them (Yes, he reproduced. Don't be jelly that he got tail and you don't.)**

 **Default Age: (According to wiki) 29**

 **Appearance: (Do I need to say? Ugh...) Tall lanky man that looks like a lady**

 **Striking Features: His face is really girly, and that's saying something when half of the cast have girly faces**

 **Quirks: Obsession with butterflies that is on par with Until Dawn's obsession**

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 **Instructions**

 **He's a tall mother. His box might be hard to take into the house or apartment. When you open it, butterflies may come out for Zhang He to pop out of there like how a wrestler enters the ring. Except with more butterflies. And more of him. Less wrestler and more Zhang He. Once you get the polite stuff out of the way, he will prance off and automatically "fix" your place up. Don't stop it or you'll get a four wound shank.**

 **Care**

 **ZHANG HE is just weird, not stupid. He can clean himself and feed himself. Just provide him with the stuff he wants. Exercise for him is his dancing, so that's covered. Give him spa days. You'd be the best to give him spa days. He's gonna LOVE spa days.**

 **How to keep your unit happy**

 **ZHANG HE is always happy. Except when he's not. That's when shit hits the fan. Seriously, the only things that ZHANG HE is never happy for is human suffering and murder for people who don't deserve it along with someone dissing his moves. Saying that he's pretty everyday would get you points with him automatically. Ooh, and any fine arts is a big thing. Musicals and Broadway, oh boy, he will love those.**

 **This unit will leave or disobey if...**

 **You diss his moves**

 **You diss his poetry**

 **You just diss everything he does**

 **You have the CAO CAO unit around**

 **You have the XIAHOU YUAN unit**

 **You call him UGLY (OoooOh, you in trouble now.)**

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 **Skills**

 **-Chinese fluency**

 **Yes, underneath all of that, ZHANG HE is a guy who can speak one of the most confusing languages known to the Western world.**

 **-Dancer**

 **Whatever those movements he does, he calls it dancing. Don't question it or else you will get four shank wounds in your belly.**

 **-Dancer (The XXX kind)**

 **Um... Well... Uh... He's no DIAO CHAN when it comes to this, but um... If you'd like... Sure...? We never tried to ask him for this and uh...**

 **-Poet**

 **Everyone loves a man who has a way with his words.**

 **-Bodyguard**

 **Yeah, no one's gonna mess with ya when they are beaten up by a freaky butterfly guy. In fact, no one's gonna go up to you in general.**

 **-Resourceful**

 **He knows how to turn everything around for him. Get on his good side, and he can turn things around for you too.**

 **Romancing**

 **Males: Yes, this unit is bisexual. Which means you would have to try twice as hard to make sure he sticks with your gender. Or else, he's just going to go back to women. He loves to tease and flirt, but doesn't like it when you try too hard. You have no chance if you're not as pretty as he is, however. You need to put as much work as he does in your looks.**

 **Females: Yes, this unit is not entirely gay. He can express love for a woman. Jeez, he's not oblivious that women exist. He knows they exist, it's just he doesn't have time for relationship drama. He has his own drama. When he feels like adding more drama, he'll call you. And when you two get your dramas together to the point it turns into a heated argument that turns into hate sex, that's when it really starts.**

 **Modes**

 **Normal**

 **Vega-level Psycho *Activated when at lowest approval with you or when you are in danger***

 **DA FAQ? *Activated randomly***

 **See Also:**

 **XIAHOU YUAN: Superior officer that he happily follows**

 **SIMA YI: Superior officer that he sometimes happily follows, fanfiction and fanart used to have a lot of these two together**

 **CAO CAO: Master**

 **GUO HUAI: Fellow officer under Xiahou Yuan**

 **XIAHOU BA: Seems to have a thing for him like he does for this unit's father**

 **FAQ'S**

 _ **When are we going to get a Wang Yi unit?**_

 **Keep throwing the money at us.**

 _ **Uh, okay? Is this supposed to be a walking slur for homosexuals? I'm going to complain to Tumblr about this!**_

 **Go ahead. Free publicity!**

 _ **Wait, I wanted Zheng He! Not Zhang He! Damnit!**_

 **Why would you want the explorer-Nevermind. Just send him back by midnight.**

 _ **He's really tall. Does his height match what he has in his nice pants?**_

 **Jesus Christ. You thirsty, girl.**

 **COPYRIGHT 2016**


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